Dear Anonymous Mean Girl:
My daughter is being bullied by some girls at school. As a mean girl, what could girls have done to avoid your wrath? How do you think we can end bullying completely?
My name is Judi Young, but please conceal my name as "Concerned Mom" or something please.
Dear Judi Concerned Mom or Something:
The best advice I can give your daughter is to suck it the fuck up. I went to school during a time when girls were men and we didn't have to worry about kids committing suicide, murdering the student body or getting pregnant because other kids didn't think they were as special as their parents assured them they were.
Chances are that, up until this point, you thought your new agey, protective parenting bullshit was the way to go. But now look what's happened. You've turned your daughter into a little pacifist who can't talk another teenage girl into an eating disorder.
To get her off her high horse, assure her she's not that special and that the rest of the world couldn't care less whether she lives or dies. In fact, YOU may not even realize that if you and your daughter simultaneously slit each other's throats tomorrow, I'd move on with my life without giving it a second thought. Seriously. I wouldn't have a moment of silence or anything.
As for "ending bullying", shut up. As long as there are children, there will be bullying. Kindly die in a house fire if you think otherwise.
-Mean Girl
send your own fan mail here
Fan Mail
Apartment Fires
You know what's funny? Apartment fires.
Chances are, if you've ever seen any local news, you've seen a few hundred thousand stories about apartment fires. I don't know what causes so many apartment fires, but I can say with a degree of certainty that they're probably generally caused by some hilarious shenanigans, like crack. I say crack because apartment complexes housing affluent white people NEVER burn down.
Your typical apartment fire victim is a 19-year-old, 500 pound black woman with 18 kids. Sometimes a trashy white lady can be substituted, but not usually.
Apartment fires are only funny because the kids never die. House fires, though, are a different story. Kids always die in house fires, and spurned lovers always start the house fires.
Apartment fire stories sound like Mad Libs every time. The large black woman will stand in front of the shell of an apartment complex with a booger encrusted 3 year old with an afro. Her other fifteen kids will be running around making faces at the camera. And it's always in the summer.
To write an apartment fire story, use the template below.
If only they had gone to college instead of making babies.
I have to be careful about how I word this, because the wrong words could be construed as a pretty hefty claim. So please keep in mind that this site is not CNN, so don't take this post as fact. Secondly, if you actually needed me to say that, please make like a banana and kill yourself.
Anyway. I think Lindsay Lohan is on meth. I know she's a freckly lady, but that bitch has meth face. I know they claim she was arrested for coke, but I think either someone was mistaken, or they weren't looking hard enough.
I used to like Lindsay Lohan. When everyone was counting down to Mary Kate and Ashley's birthday, I was looking for a Clitty Bruiser 5000 to help me ladyjerk it to her inevitable sex tape. Now, to quote Dr. Phil, "that is one skanky lookin' coke whore."
I also used to like coke. I still like it, but I don't like tiny shards of bloody cartlidge being shot into my Kleenex. And I got sick of fucking some hard hittin' nigga who could have been a body double for Simon Adebisi. I doubt Lindsay is sick of that, as she has previously proclaimed her "swinger" status.
Speaking of prison sex and hard hittin' niggas, some PETA-esque group is apparently claiming that chickens destined to become fast food at a certain company are being forcibly fisted by employees. I'm sorry, but I don't see the problem with this. I actually prefer my chicken fist raped before it hits the bun. The anguish, trauma and despair that chickens can't actually feel says quality.
In closing, I want to tell you about an inspirational story I saw about a girl with cerebal palsy today. She was eighteen and learning how to walk for the first time ever with some scary contraption. This girl, who they proclaimed was "soaring as a human being" (and she was), was HOT. She was a really pretty blonde girl who, up until the "DAHHHHH", I would consider taking home from the bar.
If there's any lesson to be learned from tonight's post, it's that they don't make ball gags for nothin'!
Tina Fey, You Bitch
I'm starting this blog to share my perspective and better the world.
I'm sure you think you'd like some background info on me, so I'll humor you. In high school, I was a mean, rude, thoughtless, selfish little pig. Basically, I was Alec Baldwin's daughter*. But I wasn't fat. I don't know if that little Baldwin bitch is fat, but if she is, I'm sure national media attention to her father berating her will fix that real quick. Anorexia: not as bad as you think. (Don't do that bulimia shit, though. You just end up getting fat again.) So I was a "mean girl", as it has come to be known. We didn't call ourselves that in high school, it's just something that Tina Fey made up. I probably would have made fun of Tina Fey in high school. I know some of you will say "joke's on you, she's rich and famous!", but I'm anonymous, so I might be rich and famous. Plus, it would be Tina Fey's joke, so it wouldn't be very funny anyway.
I digress. Anyway, everyone pretty much thought I would eventually grow up and become a demure young lady who would find a husband for whom I would cook and clean and bear children. Wrong. I'm way too smart for that. Instead, I got a job and went to school. Now I make a fantastic living and fuck 18-year-old black football players on the weekends. Suck on that, Tina "Scarface" Fey.
What the fuck happened to Tina Fey's already dastardly face to leave a scar like that? I bet a dog mistook her for a ribeye steak and pounced.
*I'm not Alec Baldwin's daughter, don't sue me.
