I have to be careful about how I word this, because the wrong words could be construed as a pretty hefty claim. So please keep in mind that this site is not CNN, so don't take this post as fact. Secondly, if you actually needed me to say that, please make like a banana and kill yourself.

Anyway. I think Lindsay Lohan is on meth. I know she's a freckly lady, but that bitch has meth face. I know they claim she was arrested for coke, but I think either someone was mistaken, or they weren't looking hard enough.

I used to like Lindsay Lohan. When everyone was counting down to Mary Kate and Ashley's birthday, I was looking for a Clitty Bruiser 5000 to help me ladyjerk it to her inevitable sex tape. Now, to quote Dr. Phil, "that is one skanky lookin' coke whore."

I also used to like coke. I still like it, but I don't like tiny shards of bloody cartlidge being shot into my Kleenex. And I got sick of fucking some hard hittin' nigga who could have been a body double for Simon Adebisi. I doubt Lindsay is sick of that, as she has previously proclaimed her "swinger" status.

Speaking of prison sex and hard hittin' niggas, some PETA-esque group is apparently claiming that chickens destined to become fast food at a certain company are being forcibly fisted by employees. I'm sorry, but I don't see the problem with this. I actually prefer my chicken fist raped before it hits the bun. The anguish, trauma and despair that chickens can't actually feel says quality.

In closing, I want to tell you about an inspirational story I saw about a girl with cerebal palsy today. She was eighteen and learning how to walk for the first time ever with some scary contraption. This girl, who they proclaimed was "soaring as a human being" (and she was), was HOT. She was a really pretty blonde girl who, up until the "DAHHHHH", I would consider taking home from the bar.

If there's any lesson to be learned from tonight's post, it's that they don't make ball gags for nothin'!